It’s now Thursday night, which means I’ve been in Brighton for four days now. The weather really isn’t so bad, and I’ve even seen the sun about half the time. Brighton is a beautiful city with a lot to do, and I can honestly say that this is a lovely place. I’ve found places that I really like, and a couple places I couldn’t escape fast enough. I got to catch up with a friend, and I actually some food today.
I still kinda feel like something is missing though.
My first trip to Europe was a whirlwind. I was scared, but so excited. That was in March. Now, in December, I feel exhausted. This year has been pretty intense and sometimes ridiculous, and I feel like it’s really done its job wearing me down.
It doesn’t really need to be said that traveling solo can be lonely. Even when I meet people here, conversations are superficial. Sometimes I feel like a novelty.
I thought I would like having the distraction, but it just doesn’t feel the same. I don’t have the same sense of optimism or the attitude that anything could happen. I feel jaded.
It’s at times like this where I look around and feel really, really alone. The people I love are miles and miles away. But to be honest, I don’t know if I want to be home. I don’t really have the feeling that I want to be anywhere at the moment.
I really do love England. It’s beautiful. People here have been so nice to me. I’ve made some of my best memories here. I want to come back. I just want to do it under different circumstances.
I guess the worst thing is that I don’t know what to do. I know that going home this early is a mistake, but I’m already feeling the wear and tear of this trip. But I also feel like it’s not just this trip. It’s like the weight of everything that’s happened in my entire life has decided to unleash itself on me this week. I think I’m ready to feel other things.
I guess what this week has taught me is that I need to make some changes in my life. I need to put a higher priority on achieving some smaller goals. I need to stop moping about things I can’t change. I need to be okay with some things I’m struggling with now. I need to stop relying on other people for happiness, love, and respect. I need to find more reliable types of comfort.