In less than a week, I will have landed in England. I am not well prepared, and somehow not that bothered by it.
I don’t have a goal for this trip or anything like that. The truth is that I have really been slacking on making any sort of goals. Maybe that’s part of the problem. I’ve been focusing so much on what’s not going right.
I’ve been focused on finishing up school and various small projects and I’ve ultimately lost sight of a lot of things I want for myself. The last year has been somewhat of a personal hell for me combined with some of the best experiences I’m sure I will ever have. I don’t have good insight into how I’m going to get through the next year, let alone the next week. I’ve never been so exhausted or so tightly wound. And this really has to change.
I was hoping to resolve a lot this year, and I feel like I’ve only moved backward. I find myself even more lost and more stuck inside my own head than before. Sometimes I find myself misplacing feelings rather than dealing with them directly. I let them wear me down not just emotionally but also physically. My favorite time of the day has been going to sleep, but even that doesn’t seem to work. I wake up constantly and instantly sink back into bad feelings.
I think the worst thing is that I tend to dwell on things. Work and school don’t seem to provide enough distraction to really keep me from thinking about the things that are bothering me. I know there are people I need to disconnect from. I know there are things I need to stop daydreaming about. But I don’t because I want to hold on to the idea that things are possible. The best thing is that the things I’ve been thinking about have changed.
I guess the best way to put it is that I’m very, very depressed.
So, all of that leads me to going on this trip. I’ve gone back and forth about it, but I think it’s something I need to do. I need the distraction again. It’s so much easier to believe in good things when you are discovering new things, at least in my experience.
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