I am going to London in less than two weeks. I could not be more terrified.
First of all, I’ve never flown internationally before. Second, I’ve never been to Europe. Third, I’ve never actually backpacked.
And now I’m doing it all alone.
My emotions are extremely conflicted. I have half a mind to just choose not to go. The ticket was super cheap, after all. The other part of me is so excited I can barely stand it.
I am at a weird place in my life. I have a lot going on, and yet at the same time things are moving so slowly. Business is great. I’m going back to school. Relationships? That’s a sore subject for me at the moment. Happiness? Meh. I’m doing okay. I could be so much better. But I don’t have all that much I can look at and say, “Hey, there’s a sign that I’m doing okay.”
I am going on this trip because I need to. I need to find whatever inner badassness I can find inside myself and put it out there. I need to know that I can do more than what I’m doing now. I need a challenge. I need to find something new. I need to know that there is more out there than what I’m doing now.
My depression goes back and forth so much, and it frustrates me. I think it’s true that my biggest challenge is going to be myself. I’m going to struggle. I’m going to cry. I’m going to be embarrassed. But I’m also going to do something amazing that I never thought I could do. And I’m sure a lot of other people never thought I could do it either.
One of my biggest challenges has always been taking something challenging or overwhelming and turning it into something worth being excited about. Simply because something is difficult does not mean you should not do it. Just because you are worried does not mean the world is going to end. Even if you’re sad, there are still things worth doing.
I’m not going to lie. I’m struggling with a lot right now. It’s really comforting to seek familiarity and stay there. But that’s not the right thing to do. If you aren’t constantly challenging yourself, you’re stagnant. I can’t afford to be stagnant right now.
When I watch movies or listen to music, I consistently recognize that the emotion that speaks most clearly to me is fear. Why is it that I feel so in tune with fear and not happiness or love? I understand everything about fear, but I don’t want to. So I need to extinguish that part of me.
So, my hope is that you will find and recognize the fears that you let control you. No, things don’t always work out. In fact, my entire life is a testament to the fact that they rarely ever do. But no matter how bruised or terrible I feel, I’m still here.
I will always remember something my dad told me, “Bravery is something you can only have if you’re afraid of something. A lion tamer who isn’t afraid of lions isn’t necessarily brave.”
Let’s be real. I make some really shitty choices. But this is not going to be one of them.
In the meantime, got any ideas for me while I’m in London/Scotland/France/wherever I end up?
Photo by Kaboom Pics